Velvet Orchid

Flocked faux flower (Say that three times fast!) and a mini purple bottle of Velvet Orchid.

Another olfactory pun by Tom Ford… fake flowers indeed.

I get a nice light orange honey out of the bottle that slowly turns purple–grape juice dye no. 69, lolly-sweet–and a huge mixed bouquet of gorgeous flowers, that weirdly smells more and more plastic the closer it gets to the skin.
Several hours later the blooms fade to faux suede–is it the labdanum that gives a slight chemical smoke?–and vanilla with a resin wood base, that last all night long.

I’m not sure how I feel about it.
It’s lovely from a distance, but Velvet Orchid costs a lot of money for a bunch of artificial flowers, and the concept of “tacky couture” can seem elitist and absurd.

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This is how you do absurd right.

Orchid Soleil

Sample vial of bright orange Orchid Soleil, and baby bella mushrooms.

I’m so confused by this scent!
Scrumptious tuberose vanilla ice cream… tripping on ‘shrooms?

Is it the pink pepper at the top that gives it the earthy spore note? Or the patchouli and chestnut funk at the bottom?

And what is it with Tom Ford and fungus?

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Some trippy orchids–

Neroli Portofino

neroli portofino edgesA drier 4711, less sweet, less herbal, with twice the lasting power…
…which means twenty minutes rather than ten.

The orange flower is lovely, but it gets eaten up by the bergamot pretty quickly. I like the amber at the bottom–it roughs up the jasmine, but the rosemary and lavender don’t have the freshness of the basil.

If I were stupid rich, I might buy a bottle, but tried and true and cheap suits broke me just fine.

Black Orchid

Black orchidChocolate covered mushrooms.
Tom Ford’s biggest is actually an olfactory pun on truffles!
The bottle is even textured like gills.

Opens sweet and dirty and loud, earthy cocoa and umami fungus that grows on your skin and your clothes and the walls of your dining room.
They slowly warp into wet white flowers and syrupy fruit, in a change of dinner courses that doesn’t take the old plates away, a trencher of watermelon garnished with petals and patchouli.
Afterwards vanilla beans, smoked like cigars.

Very sexy, in a you-make-me-hungry way, but don’t wear it if you’re dieting.


So many ‘shroomy covers of this song. I’m stuck on this awesome Arabic one right now.

Noir de Noir

noir de noir with rose
Test paper printed with Tom Ford bottle, decant vial and bud from a miniature rose bush.

This hit me with pruned roses in a vase, overly sugared lemonade, then amaretto non-dairy creamer–gorgeous wild things tamed and tempered to be generic.
I felt the need to mind my dirty mouth, to check my shirt buttons for too much cleavage.

Then the guy said, “You smell like my mother.
So that’s that.


I’m not often one for acapella, but this is kind of amazing.

Tobacco Vanille

tobacco vanille
Tom Ford bottle, distorted behind a Four Roses bourbon bottle.

This is amazing.

Opens up with glorious daddy issues of pipe tobacco and bourbon, then dresses in a chocolate velvet vest with a watch chain and takes me out to the lesbian billiards bar.
I drink vanilla shots until I’m cut off for spilling one and we go home to empty cabinets except for that fruitcake I re-gifted and got back two years later.
It’s delicious. Best date ever.


Filthiest song ever.