Extra large bottle with Demeter no-frills label, and a heap of cherry tomatoes.
Tomato by Demeter is every urban gardening hipster chick sunbathing topless on the roof. Stray honeysuckle and dandelion weeds are overtaken by crushed tomato leaves and the great red globes ripening on the vine. A smudge of pollution and sweat and dirt sticks to the skin, but doesn’t stop the invasive Organic Goddess green. I’d worship her in the summer.
Forget what you think about “cheap” perfumes and buy the big bottle–it makes a wonderful room spray, too.
Willie Nelson and Cyndi Lauper singing a Gershwin duet is my favorite thing today.
Aqua blue tester bottle with raised letters on store display shelf.
Azzaro Chrome is the first cologne a guy buys himself after an ugly divorce. He’s just started dating again; a little shy, maybe socially awkward, but he’s charismatic and hungry enough to be quite sexy.
Limes and neroli on top, raw silk and alimony payments underneath.
I wish the cardamom were stronger. Our guy would get more dates if he had a bit more spice.
Test paper cutout of Imaginary Author bottle, “Short Story Collections” book box, and sample spray.
Triage at a burn unit. Scorched rubber tires, plastic bandages, charred flesh. An hour later, it rests painfully with a smear of aloe, and then fades completely with an ominous gasp of sweet lilies. It’s tragic–and yet still kind of gorgeous.
Micro bottle with a doll’s tutu around the neck, leaning against the mirror of a rose velvet jewelry box.
Pavlova starts as fingernails on a chalkboard, gives a stern lesson in botany, then hands out sugar pastilles while dismissing class.
Gen X girls got this as a hand-me-down from Mom in the seventies. She was gifted it in a holiday present swap, bought because it was cheap and the packaging was pretty. We stashed it in the bottom of the pink jewelry box with the ballerina who spun to a wind-up version of Swan Lake; we never understood the significance.
A shrill chypre powder grenade with a dry sweet finish.
This is my favorite arrangement of Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece.
Pale green filled mini Les Belles de Ricci bottle, with a metallic fuchsia cap, among a cluster of tomatoes-on-the-vine.
Liberty Fizz could be marketed with one of those classy/trashy retro ads with the sexy half-dressed girl lounging in an enormous champagne glass– Only instead of bubbly, she’s cavorting in a salad made with green tomatoes. She wears a scant top of sweet herbs, flowers strung over her middle and a coy fig leaf on the bottom. She’ll stay for a second drink, cracking jokes about Virgin Marys with extra olives, but she leaves before the third.
Mini Guerlain beehive bottle on a tiny white cardboard box printed with orange blossoms.
Flora Nerolia is basically everything I love in a good neroli essential oil with three times the staying power and an added touch of elegance. Opens with spring sunshine and honey caught in a crystal decanter, then jasmine and pettigrain rough it up to make it organic and skanky. (The lushness could get sweaty in the summer. In winter it’s like wearing hope on the skin.)
Sadly discontinued. Secondhand prices are weird on this one–I’ve seen empty boxes go for more than full bottles.
Large 4711 Acqua Colonia cut crystal bottle with brown and gold label.
Lime and oak leaves.
The bottle says “Relaxing” in many languages. The eau is certainly not exciting, but it’s pleasant enough, I suppose. Lasts the usual 4711 quarter hour.
Perhaps one for unassuming gentlemen with good taste in hats?
Edit – 6/18/21
I had a good cup of Earl Grey tea this morning, and pulled this one out to compare the bergamot. The soft green citrus was easy to recognize in both, but I was struck by how much of the vetiver comes out when sniffing them side by side–almost nutty, like filberts or walnuts.
Also, nicer in the summer than the winter–less lime notes and more herbal vibes, and not so oaky dry.
Starry teacup and saucer, and cologne bottle and box, on my back patio. Good morning!
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Love this relaxing Louis Armstrong cover of Irving Berlin and Fred Astaire’s classic.
One bite of lemon ice–eaten with a wooden spoon–then it’s gone. I wanted more. Some herbal hardwoods lay a few inches above the skin for an hour. Might be nice as a boy’s first cologne.
Edit – 9/17/21
The dry-down is pleasant enough, but the performance is not worth the collector’s prices–unopened one ounce bottles are scarce and run as much as $150 now.
Tall, square, matte-black bottle of Envy Eau de Parfum nestled in the heart of a bunch of celery stalks.
In a happy mood, Envy shimmers with lime and hyacinth and spring pine, but when it’s angry it sulks with celery and wilting roses and verdigris tarnish. Amazing in the rain.
This was my “divorce perfume,” twenty years ago, my splurge at the duty-free shop when I’d run off to cry on a few shoulders, along with the new haircut and leather jacket.
This song, like Envy, came out in 1997–I saw it in concert.
Gold capped Annick Goutal ridged melon bottle with amber eau, and a gold ribbon holding the wreath tag.
This woman pops a cream candy in her mouth while coolly walking away from the burning house behind her. I’m scared of her, but I want to be her friend.
Edit – 9/12/21
(From my rescued-from-the-back-of-the-closet collection.)
The first bite is a fancy floral sweet mess of tuberose and jasmine, milky white marbled with green, that melts into ylang-ylang with a verdant pop of tomato leaf. The herbal sweetness has a minty vibe, echoed again on the bottom by the patchouli and vanilla. The oak-moss at the base anchors us firmly in the 80’s racks of the consignment shop–patterned silk dresses and art-house punk jackets. (A good place to find a vintage bottle–they can still be found at reasonable prices–though it’s still in production.)
Cheerful and clever, in a movie-heroine-gets-her-revenge-in-the-end-while-smoking-a-menthol way, but I never really took to it. I’ll pass it on to my friend who can quote Heathers word for word.
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The amazing Chaka Khan came out with Ain’t Nobody in 1983. I’m feeling this updated cover today.
kira a. gold 